However, my take on this is that it’s not actually the other person’s judgement that causes us to make mistakes, trip over our words, or hesitate when speaking a second language. If this were the case, we would be passive victims in speaking situations, our performance being directly related to another person’s attitude, and our confidence in the hands of others.
From a coach perspective, what I see with my clients is that when we have a lack of confidence in our own skills, we actually unknowingly look to affirm this through other peoples’ reactions, so that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that we can’t speak the language.
It’s our own insecurity that makes us hyper-alert to judgement when we think poorly of our abilities.
But why do we do this?
Despite how painful it can feel to be judged, there’s almost a comforting familiarity to go into a situation expecting a certain reaction (even if it’s negative and hurtful!) and to have it confirmed, because at least that shows us that we were right about ourselves.
So we at least have that righteous moment of “see? I knew it” that we can hold on to. But what happens is that because no one likes judgement, we slowly but surely avoid situations where we have to speak the language, because we have the hopeless mentality of “oh, what’s the point anyways.”
You might be thinking, okay but isn’t it worse to think positive and encouraging thoughts, and then to be taken down when someone reacts that way? Doesn’t the rejection cut deeper when we’re not anticipating it? But here’s the thing – in this situation, we’re still using the other person’s behaviour to determine our worth, and we're focusing our energy on things out of our control. Instead, what we want is to build resilience and self-trust so that we continue to speak, no matter how the other person shows up to the conversation.
There will always be people who do have bad intentions, and who will judge you outright. If you’ve had these experiences before, I know how incredibly hard it can be to bounce back from them. But if you have a goal to speak that language, it’s essential to work on your own view of your abilities so that it becomes easier to push past these setbacks and keep going - this is the kind of work that I do with my clients.
I also believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Most people want to see you succeed, just as you, I’m sure, want others to succeed. :)
I’m curious to know – what kind of thoughts pop into your head when starting a conversation in your second language? If you go into conversations with confidence, what kinds of thoughts or beliefs empower you to do so?
Interested in finding out more? Book a free consultation with me to see how I can help you speak French with confidence: